My rating: 99% Waste of Celluloid

Every once in a while, a movie remake comes along that really improves on the original. Ocean's Eleven surpassed the original. Thirteen Ghosts was a fantastic step above the 1960 Bill Castle classic. The modern versions celebrate the old films while bringing their own creative flares to the table, and the result is enjoyable.

This movie is not one of those. I haven't seen the original version of Ladykillers, but I now find myself in a position of needing to, if for no other reason, to see what the movie might have been like if it had actually been any good. The new version was certainly not. I never figured out who the audience was even supposed to be, with the interjecting upbeat choir specials on Sunday morning between scenes of heavily profane language. It was confusing. It was fragmented.

I don't want to waste too much time talking about the plot of this movie, because if you were to watch it, you really wouldn't care by the end anyway. Here's the short form: Tom Hanks and a band of criminals with questionable abilities fool a church lady into letting them use her house to burrow into a nearby casino cash room. On the way, they have several mishaps borrowed from, mainly, Wile E. Coyote. Some of these moments are funny, but most of them need Larry the Cable Guy to come out and say, "That's funny, I don't care who you are."

There is a real need for apologies from the people involved in this film. Joel and Ethan Coen probably owe the biggest one, sharing not only the stench of directing, but also the humiliation that must surely result from writing it as well. These two guys must certainly apologize to everyone from the original movie, as well as the actors who they somehow suckered into delivering the mindless banter of this script. Shame is raked on their heads for making flicks as likeable as O Brother and Intolerable Cruelty, getting our hopes up, and then dropping this bomb on us.

Tom Hanks' character was fun to watch, I'll have to say. His performance as the cartoonish professor G.H. Dorr made the film almost bearable. Tom, however, must apologize to all of us who watched this movie because we're fans of his. You shoulda known better, Tom. Did you READ the script before you signed on?

Marlon Wayans also should have known better. I'm not sure who to blame for his belligerent and unlikable character named Gawain, but there must surely be a penance to cover the damage caused to this movie by the endless spouting of (needless) profanity that flowed from his mouth. Maybe release a version of the movie where his character is cut out. Or at least muted. This character ALONE made the "R" rating, and at no benefit whatsoever to the movie. A little spoiler for you... when Gawain was killed, someone next to us in the theater actually said, "Thank God."

Now you are saying, "But what about the 1% that you said was actually good?" Well, folks, most of that 1% was the hilarious performance of Irma P. Hall, who delivered a likeable and eccentric performance that I found very funny. A very small fraction (maybe, I don't know, .05%) goes to Tom Hanks for making an interesting character as mentioned earlier. I'll even award another, smaller percentage to J.K. Simmons' explosives expert guy for his own personal Wile E. moment, a mishap with explosives that was pretty funny to some folks.

Just one more apology before I go... this one is from me. Heather wanted to leave the movie about halfway through, but I made her stay, foolishly thinking it would get better. I'm sorry, sweetie.

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